i like it..a lot!

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Xx_kelseyn0elbyers;;

Asparatame.... is it better than "The Real Thing"?

Glad to see you writing online again

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---Live and love today like there was no tomorrow...

I like it... I agree, the title could be better,but so far its a very good little piece of writing

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xoxoxo Melanie

only u would call a poem diet cola and you . . . who says cola ? .
its good, and im glad you at least attempted to post something.
mwaa

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k-rista
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Good morning
I'm glad to see your back online again
It truly has been awhile

The title could be better (just agreeing with a few there), but the comparison is quite amazing.
I have that taste of the sugarless cola in my mouth now - that i hate, yet it still doesn't stop me from drinking more

good work

In a not-so-astounding break from tradition, I think that I shall disagree with all those people who think that the title needs improvement. I rather like the title. In fact, I am envious of the title; I wish I had thought of it!

But since I didn't, and I can't travel back in time, invent it myself, and then accuse you of plagiarism, I'm simply going to have to accept the fact that you came up with the title first. I love the title and I think it shouldn't change a bit.

Driving school does strange things to people, but when you showed me this poem in rough, I was starting to wonder if you needed some more air. That's one of the things I like about technology becoming more portable, though. It's so easy to move my computer around--instead of being stuck in my stuffy (heck, let's be frank: boring) room all day, I can bring it outside. Poetry, or any kind of writing, seldom comes from staring blankly at the screen. Often it needs to be inspired by some sort of external event. And, since I hate writing longhand and I have a terrible memory, it helps to have my computer right there in case something inspires me. Which it usually doesn't. Anyway.

The poem itself, yes, could use some polish. Perhaps a good spit-shine. Maybe a shave and a haircut. Can you get all that done for two bits?

You end two lines with the word "dry", and this does nothing for me. If you'd like to know which one I prefer (and even if you don't, I shall tell you anyway), I love the way "End of July heatwave dry" sounds. It's too potent to change. Mess with it at your peril.

"Bone dry" is a good description, so one might be loath to part with it. However it's also slightly on the side of cliché. I'm sure you can come up with something superb, perhaps even sublime, to take its place.

Aftertaste may be written as one word. Similarly, I believe it's "aspartame", not "asparatame".

Those hyphens bother me in the way that only hyphens can bother me. And it bothers me that they bother me because it's somewhat hypocritical; I am a fan of overusing hyphens. I think that they bother me because I overuse hyphens to intentionally make the sentences harder to read for humour. The same thing happens here--the hyphens break up the rhythm--but this doesn't seem appropriate for the poem. Unfortunately, a fix for this isn't immediately forthcoming.

You make use of some great language though. As I mentioned before, that first line is killer. I love the first line of the second stanza too. They both draw me into the poem and help me feel the cola in a way that I have never felt it before, and that's wonderful. A can of cola is such an ordinary and mundane object that to give it such a life of its own is an interesting use of poetry. You've done a good job of tying it into the emotions of the person, rather than just describing the can itself, which is what some people might have done instead.

If you do end up revising it I can't wait to see the final product!

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If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. -- Carl Sagan

~superstitious13 and =shutterbug13 lured me here.
Maybe Dats Your Pwoblem Too

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Aspartame is kinda gross... Bleh.

It's good to see something from you, especially the beverage somethings.

Gruuuu~ >_< As usual I have no positive input for change, just that it's good to have it, I do think you can improve it, I just have no idea how O_o. Because you've got a fantastic concept, it just feels like there is one word missing somewhere that could make all the difference in the world, y'know? X_x

Besides, the title is pretty awesome, it seems like it conveys alot more than a title would. ^_^

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So, See Super Salicious Silliness Soundly Simulating Stimulation Spread So Spacially Space Sea Smooth Succinctly Saturday.

Do it... It'll be the S'iest thing you ever do!

i like you...a lot!

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i Love You<3. Period.
-The China Doll

*~ChinaDolls13=Mine and =shutterbug13's joint photography account*

hahaha, thank you. I'm in kind of a writing rut...hopefully some more profound pieces will come soon<3

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i Love You<3. Period.
-The China Doll

*~ChinaDolls13=Mine and =shutterbug13's joint photography account*