i really do like this i think you captured lust, but in a somewhat different light, i'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me, but yea, the only thing that i don't really like is the your so Damn gorgeous, i find that the contrast with everything else is good for making it stand out, which is grand, but i just find that it um well just kinda doesn't fit for me, but i still think it works, so really that was pointless *sigh* i should stop now

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Meghan
I have found freedom
...losing all hope is freedom

Haha, no, I'm glad you liked it, and sorry you didn't think the "youre so damn gorgeous" fit in well. It's just the kind of it takes your breath away how ridiculously attractive one person can be. Uhhhhm, yeah, there's my explanation. Thanks super much for the comment lovey.

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i Love You<3. Period.
-The China Doll

*~ChinaDolls13=Mine and =shutterbug13's joint photography account*

I looove the damn gorgeous...I think it's my favourite part because of the contrast...kind of shows that we're all wolves dressed as sheep...that horribly lustful feeling can fill us all, making you so far from perfect and so very far from ladylike....my favourite stanza is definately the second...wow..so well written....now I'm gonna go take a cold shower!

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xoxoxo Melanie

Seven deadly sins, eh? Hmm. . . .

It's "fibre" with an re, because we're Canadian (last time I checked).

In stanza three, the lines "With a crimson kerchief / Top hat, and cane" I would add a comma after "kerchief" since it's a list. (Yeah, I'm nitpicking--but last time I checked, that wasn't a deadly sin!)

The first two lines of stanza four constitute brilliant use of alliteration. I'm not much of a fan of alliteration in general because it sounds silly, but it works well with this poem.

Stanza seven doesn't sound quite right to me. I understand the feeling that you're trying to get across, that onset of lust, but the wording of the stanza's quite awkward. Try capitalising "hell," to emphasise it as a location. . . . But otherwise, I don't think I'd change it, because it embodies the theme of the poem even if it does sound a bit awkward.

I like the use of a "virgin white shirt", very appropriate diction there.

The last stanza is the best, no doubt about it. Because the way you've got the poem written, it's like you're almost toying with the audience. You start with a description of how the lust is rising, then sort of shift the subject slightly and talk about him. So the last stanza abruptly brings the audience's thoughts back to the main theme of the poem.

The poem's rhythm is good; I find it very easy to read even though it is a long poem, which is not an easy thing to accomplish. The use of repetition throughout the poem (his lips, the way he dresses, et cetera) also help unify it and make it easy to read.

And the ultimate question (although not to life, the universe, and everything), does the poem communicate the feeling of lust? I think it does. Being a man, I can't really say I've ever lusted after a fellow in a kerchief, cane, or top hat. But I have to say that the way you describe what lust does to the narrator is evocative and effective.

So which deadly sin will you do next?

--
If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. -- Carl Sagan

~superstitious13 and =shutterbug13 lured me here.
Maybe Dats Your Pwoblem Too

Thank you I liked the so damn gorgeous too, glad you enjoyed the contrast. And yeah, that's exactly what I was trying to get across. The way lust can completely tear off every false air we put on. thank you lovey

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i Love You<3. Period.
-The China Doll

*~ChinaDolls13=Mine and =shutterbug13's joint photography account*

BAH! I definitely replied to this once already, but da hates me. So, yeah...I had fibre first but then i spellchecked it (forgetting that the spellcheck was american) so I changed it...*snaps fingers* darn. *notes to self to put comma in* Thanks, I missed that. And woot to Ben for noticing the alliteration. It was somewhat unintentional, i do that lots.

As for capitalizing hell, i may do it...i just usually try to refrain from capitalizing things relating to religion(it's just a personal thing), but I think for the sake of literature I may just have to do it.

Super glad that it was lusty, i was somewhat worried it wouldn't be. Er...I think I'm going to do sloth next. Maybe gluttony, I want to get those two out of the way because I think they'll be the most difficult.

Thanks uber muchly Ben!

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i Love You<3. Period.
-The China Doll

*~ChinaDolls13=Mine and =shutterbug13's joint photography account*

Muaahhah! way to turn me on, thanks alot

heewooo... Yeah, I haven't slept in days but this reads like a dream


unfortunately you're making me want to actually finish them again...

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So, See Super Salicious Silliness Soundly Simulating Stimulation Spread So Spacially Space Sea Smooth Succinctly Saturday.

Do it... It'll be the S'iest thing you ever do!

I was waiting for you to comment on this one, I knew you were going to either a)love it or b) hate it. Glad it was the first. Sorry about "turning you on" you crazy crazy kid. You make my heart giggle and smile. Good job.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE thanks for the fave!

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i Love You<3. Period.
-The China Doll

*~ChinaDolls13=Mine and =shutterbug13's joint photography account*

Don't worry, turn me on anytime

It's a great piece or literature, maybe I'm just oversexed but I love that kind of stuff. lol

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So, See Super Salicious Silliness Soundly Simulating Stimulation Spread So Spacially Space Sea Smooth Succinctly Saturday.

Do it... It'll be the S'iest thing you ever do!